i know, circumstances not withstanding this shouldn't be that difficult my new circumstances are demanding so i find it hard to apologize i just left the morgue, covered in my own blood a suicide attempt that was successful, and then wasn't this ain't rock'n'roll, this is my attempt at creating catharsis, and moving along (... onward ... get outta here) (i feel like a nervous young man fingerfucking a girl that he met in junior high school, because that's the only way he can get her to shut up) this isn't self-control, it's incongruence between what i am, and believe, and choose to believe somersaulting bodies, falling down onto the pavement had better chances of getting back up (by the way, nice to meet you. i'd shake your hand if i wasn't just a disembodied voice that you're hearing through your headphones or whatever you're listening in on) i cram too many words into most of my songs because i have too much to say, and too much time to work with it i don't talk very much, and half of my words are "um" but these overflowing thoughts make up for it (they say the more vocal you are about your opinions, the more likely you are to stand by them. actually, they don't just say shit like that, apparently it's a scientific fact, and i'm soft spoken. This is the last of these) i know, circumstances not withstanding this shouldn't be that difficult my new circumstances are demanding and they sparked bad habit genocide i know, in a year I'll move on again but for now, this will be how i cope when God made man, he didn't say "this is perfect" he said "it can improve, but this is good."

close your eyes between turning off the light and climbing into your loft bed so you don't see anything that tries to come and kill you they're all leaving you behind, moving on to better places you still don't know what to do with your life, hope it'll turn out alright they've at least got degrees planned out, you know they know it'll turn out fine for them the sun's been rising later lately, after you're out of bed how long again until this is over? but then again, it shouldn't end, cause that marks 3 months until they move away somewhere between OK and KO talk with my friend, on the too-short drive back home he asks me a serious question, I just don't respond I stare out the passenger window a couple people asked me if i'm alright (i just told you, i'm just fine) then what's going on with those black holes beneath your eyes? (i'm just fine) i'm a little tempted to say something, but then i know i'd have to hold control and fall asleep (zzz) everybody knows just where to go I'm a Texan hedging bets against the melting snow you can still talk and play games over those long distances but we both know you won't when you get a name for what you're feeling it makes the feelings feel like they're more valid and monophobia sounds special, and it makes you feel that way too but what it doesn't do is fix the issue close your eyes between turning off the light and climbing into your loft bed so you don't see anything that tries to come and kill you then your life will be over before you even know it instead of seeing the end from miles away from miles away

we drove to Enchanted Rock, early in the morning, to see the views we parked and we walked to the entrance to the trail we followed the trail to the bottom of the mountain, and there it was rising not-so-tall from the sky on fire like molotov cocktails by the time we peaked, the sun had not stopped burning it hung there stiffly smoldering in the sky and though the rooster crowed not yet eight hours ago most of us were beginning to get tired we still had much our young minds could explore though even though some of them stayed behind we explored the stones around our canyons and the rocks around our hills though privately, most of us were terrified we returned back home as a much older people though age we lacked, along with being wise and while we were still good, obedient little girls and boys that only meant another thing that we could have to go back home and hide in the night everything out there was natural everything out there just seemed to happen on it's own does that make things less real than all the man-made shit back home? i wouldn't say so, i don't think so, no i! gave! up! my! pride! i used to think in folly that i could make things of myself but now i see the world is much too large for me alone no fancy words nor poetry can tip me off this shelf i gave up my integrity it used to be that i'd tell the truth, but now there's things no one can see i gave up my sanity she can't see the forest for the trees, i think i'm going blind i can't see anything Allen must've been wrong, I dreamt of you, no way it was just synapses firing, the dream, it was so real, the three of us each hung from ropes and everything was still everything was still what am i to do with myself? i'm a boy, in a world of grown men with a grown man's body, and psyche but a soul of someone younger i have lost control of myself, as my vision decays into black dots can i pull myself up from this pit will i descend into chaos? i can almost hear you over the wind that stings and bites our ears if only i'd let you a little closer to where i am maybe then, i could hear you i gave up my pride! i gave up my integrity! i gave up my sanity! must i give up my humanity? i gave up my pride! i gave up my integrity! i gave up my sanity! must i give up my humanity? two nights ago, I was freezing cold my blanket too short for the length of me last night i stayed up late, trying to write words trying to rhyme lyrics for a song never complete tonight i realized i can write anything as long as it, to me, has some meaning i gave up my pride i gave up my integrity i gave up my sanity must i give up my humanity?

i was absolutely fucking successful from the get-go like a skateboard down a hill that slowed down and rolled into some bushes but was there something else? hidden in it's shadow? teenagers will hang off every word you say even try to adopt your vernacular even though they try to not trust anyone something happens through the noise, you'll see they can't see flaws, they'll think you're immortal you can't turn the parking brake on, it's out of your reach you're in the passenger seat now, as a figure of speech (it's out of control) the car is sinking now, and everyone will drown, and your seatbelt's locked in place it was absolutely fucking failing from the get-go i never read the manual but even if i had, it was in a language i couldn't understand much less read, for myself in my head i had things all planned out from the start, things could've worked out perfectly but the buzz from this shitty old amp is fucking around with my train of thought but it's not as bad as the buzz was before any second now, I'm gonna light this head of hair on fire to draw away the predators from the door they will come back, probably with greater numbers and fervor but before then, you can vanish out of sight, out of sound the house burned down into rubble we lost the art all the progress we built, destroyed in the beat of a heart (it's out of control) a single short circuit, that i left alone now it's fucked and gone to the edge though it's destroyed again i'll begin to rebuild (this time alone) or all this time i've lost i've wasted, yet again (it's out of control) i've made my mind up now, i don't care if you call it right or wrong, but i'll build this house so goddamn strong it won't come down until the end of the world! but in the dark of night, I hear a creeping sound a voice chimes in, saying "it wouldn't be so bad. it's easier to let that house just stay burnt down," but i can't give up, not after this long resist the siren song but i still have doubts

i've found myself in an Indian Summer, it seems the leaves are crisp, and the snowing is over, for now so it's nice outside, but my head is killing me both metaphorically and physically, don't you see that i'm used to sleeping in the autumn and winter (i used to feel) like i could not trust anyone (but deep down, i still feel that way) but now it's summer for a minute (hold that thought, we're leaving town) but i'm afraid it could be almost done (i don't want to hibernate again) i don't want to fall asleep again, again again, again just as the sun comes out, you find it can burn your skin just when you're finally done, you have to start again just as the sun comes out, you find it can burn your skin just as the sun comes out it burns i used to really like that last song but then i listened to it more than once, and now i hate it, just like everything else i've made though if you've heard it now, i guess i left it on oh! cycle through those feelings through the weeks it's supposed to be alright when the sun comes, but it just burned my eyes, my eyes (i'm alright, it's alright) (i'm alright, it's alright) my head is homicidal, trying to kill me, because the sun came out, so i must retreat, away from these things that cause my pain without a doubt, pound on the door, let them all know, scream at the top of your stairs, or hide in the corner, shielding your eyes, and praying that no one sees you there we'll circle back around tonight the sun comes out and hurts your eyes we'll circle back around again the sun comes out to burn your skin

i'm gonna write a story where the villains are just evil, and where everyone agrees that, what the heroes do is right, and all except one major twist, it all turns out predictably, the hero wins and overcomes his vices another night in New York, things are anything but simple, passing by the passersby, who i'll never see again keeping my head low, i realize how could i know you, if i am never even able to meet them? in this sea of faces, how many could be you or me? 1-in- how many could replace me or you? you can't know me, i don't know you, cause i have secrets you can't know, and i assume you have some baggage too. i'm softer now than i used to be, but i don't really show that, do i know you know me well enough to know that? i could've quit at any time, and i can quit singing it it, once i stop letting its control define me you could cover your eyes that doesn't mean i wasn't there now you can just shut off your phone and i virtually disappear i'm not indecisive, but i hate you, how does it make sense that i've never told you "i love you" before? what if that yellow light didn't mean slow down, but to charge full force ahead, and i just read the signal wrong? another night in New York, Saint Patrick's sounded this morning, do those bells somehow bring me closer to God? similarly, when i see you, do i get to know you better? or do we just both see each other's facades? still, you can lean on me when you are not strong even if we're strangers, really and it won't be so long, before we must say so long that isn't what we need, but i'll shove! off! you!

what would you do if i was stranded on the moon? no hope of ever getting back lost in the boundlessness of space? would you stare up in the sky, at night and wonder if i stared down at the earth, in the same way? if our eyes met by mistake? i explored in peace now i'll rest in peace on the old man's face a dust mite on his cheek and swim around the emptiness outside your stratosphere forever mankind visiting vacationing out here bury me at sea out here, not buried or at sea commit me to the deepest deapths my soul sinks underneath to rise up to the satellites to touch the face of God to someday meet Orion constellations made of blood to rise above my humanness to meet everyone to bury my own casket to kiss the burning sun i've never heard this noise before the sound of deafened ears a semblance of reality i built throughout my years the radio shuts down at night a silence understood i glance back at my mother i look to look for you

i'm still paralyzed, the longest months of my life is it getting better? (i don't know) can it really recover? (i hope so) as i walk, through the doorway i'm constantly reminded of a past i want to leave behind i'm ashamed, sometimes i can't decide should i spit it all out, let somebody know of my secret torment? what's invisible? what have they known all along? is it no secret at all? or do i keep it locked tight, never tell a soul keep trying to climb out of here alone and let nobody know? i must be invisible i was paralyzed i thought my life was mine i remember these walls i remember this bed (for the wrong reasons) contamination, these things that i've done block out my memories incurable disease i don't remember the start it was long ago, i played around too much didn't know enough about the world (ohh ohh) covered up my arms, covered up my head i didn't want to show that a nice little kid was dead i thought should i spit it all out, let somebody know of my secret torment? what's invisible? do they already know? is it no secret at all? or should i keep it locked tight, never tell a soul? i am digging into this pit alone and nobody can know i felt invisible i'm still paralyzed we collectively decided, to build a tower that reaches the heavens instead of doing what we're told we made names for ourselves by burning our bookshelves and neglecting our fathers' words we're tempted by things that never would've been, if we paid attention before and knew what was important let it all out it stays locked inside no one found somebody to confide in now we're all alone bare it alone, i have to do it alone, it's my fault alone, so leave me alone, but i can't do it all alone

sing a song of chaos and another song of eternal night selfishness is the root of all evil, and to be selfish is human any day now, earth will fall apart, crashing down into oblivion workplace exercises in futility can in no way prepare us maybe we're the problem maybe you and i are the problem maybe the collective consciousness of humans is the problem here now that i've met you, and you've met me can we agree to believe in each other? i used to be afraid of nothing, now i'm simply terrified of you i used to sing in fear you'd never leave me, now i sing in fear that you'll come back kidnap me again, when my guard's down and drag me even further down and out i missed out on teenage love, i missed out on emotions, but now i'm an adult, who must handle all his problems stoicly cope in unhealthy ways and bind things up inside him, looking more like Satan than like God but i have heard some people say that we can still all go to heaven we can still all go to heaven anyone can go to heaven is it true? that we can still all go to heaven everyone can go to heaven anyone can go to heaven from this hell look at your own eyes, in the mirror in the dark at the dead of night contemplate your past behaviors, back to bed to dream about your stage fright pop song on the radio, children reciting lyrics with bright eyes drama on tv, out of nothingness, romanticizing suicide (1, 2, 3, 4, what the fuck is going on?) it's the year 2018, it's the year of go fuck yourself it's the year of making progress except making no progress and we're obsessive teenagers who've learned to fight about anything, only relating through 6-second videos on depression i had never thought one day i'd showcase my naked soul to humanity but i guess that's what it takes to spiral yourself up out of insanity grouping things together so you can take a flamethrower to it all therapeutically destroys everything in its general vicinity for another day, i'd keep things close to my chest a little longer imagining the consequences of letting loose imaginary monsters monsters! listen, either we die here or we go home as though we're kings rest in peace the Unicorns, we'll still die even if we make it big, but we can still all go to heaven! everyone can go to heaven! anyone can go to heaven! you and i can go to heaven, from this hell! i've started writing a new song, i think that i can finish it so that's helped to restore a little of me self confidence when i go to bed at night i'm not plagued with the thought that i cannot finish this album and get it out of my system but that means it's over i'm finishing this piece of work, and i'll try to move on, from the thoughts that encompass it i'll keep trying to improve myself, still with long ways to go when it comes to types of men, i still know i'm a piece of shit, but we can still all go to heaven everyone can go to heaven anyone can go to heaven you and i can go to heaven, there's still hope we can still all go to heaven circumstances not withstanding we can still all go to heaven hear me over the wind anyone can go to heaven kiss the burning sun everyone can go to heaven everyone we can still all go to heaven circumstances not withstanding we can still all go to heaven hear me over the wind anyone can go to heaven kiss the burning sun everyone can go to heaven everyone everyone

the conscience split the mind into oblivion internally i tear myself apart externally i've beat myself and drawn the color red i can never be the same again i used to hate myself, now i do a little less there's fewer monsters underneath my bed i think that writing all this down has helped, at least in part i hope it helps you as you listen in my young mind isn't as young as it was a year ago sanity has it's foot in the door monsters went through group therapy to compile their ten songs imaginary? no, but some are gone hallelujah, maybe i can be saved that's more than i thought could be done before but i just watched the sun set and it made me feel alright a human can improve itself, i'm sure